Sunday, January 19, 2014

get it going again

I haven't been blogging for awhile.  Hell, been barely able to keep my journal going.  I'm in what could be clicheed as an identity crisis... and who knows when those end.  If it was a spiritual thing, about me 'finding myself', I probably would have more profound things to say right now.

I don't.

I sat down to write something, anything, just to keep this blog going, to hopefully get the wheels in motion at least.

I've already went past the time of my second surgery last year.  Who knows, maybe I'll revisit it.  The second wasn't as taken out of time and place as the first.  Things were already in motion- moving to a smaller place, knowledge about how long I thought it took me to recuperate.  Things like that.

There is something about this time of year, when things are all about motion.  All about getting caught up in the day to day, the hour to hour, the minute to minute.  I'm doing a lot of counting time right now, just get to the evening, just get to bed, just get to the morning.  That sort of thing.

Ups and downs happening, though.  Intense moments are followed by a "What the fuck was that?  I'm fine" moments, then back to intense again.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm stuck.  I'm writing down anything right now to make this blog post seem more flushed out.

Here is a little bit of something.  I read an article that had a man ask this question:

"What is your useful skill in a tangible situation?"

I can't answer it.  Because I'm looking at most of my situations, up to the cancer, and wondering how tangible they were.  And how useful I am.  It sucks to look back on life and just want to do it over again.

And on that victimy note, I'll sign off.