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It’s Samhain tonight. 

I did two things tonight that were kind of festive.  One, I watched It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!  And two, gorged myself on bread and pumpkin butter.  That’s it.

No ancestor table, no decorations, no pumpkins, there was candy to give to kids, but the only two who showed up didn’t have a costume, and had sacks that were very, very full.  Must have grabbed a lot from the bowl set out in front of the apartment below us.

Last year, I was recuperating, and was too doped up and depressed to try to put something together. 

I had put something together many of the years before, or went and participated with wonderful people in Boulder.  There is something I love about Samhain.  And it’s different than the triclk or treating, or the parties with some of the most fucked up energy of the year.

It was about honoring, and moving into my favorite time of the year.  From Samhain all the way into January.  Just had the best feelings for me.  Some down times, but good feeling.

Last year kicked my ass during this time.  And this year, just not…

Here’s an update.  I am seeing yet another endocrinologist on Tuesday.  I am still so fatigued, all I do is walk and go to therapy and acupuncture and chiropractor and work. 

And I don’t want to deal with people.  I’ve overwhelmed myself that all I want to do is hide until things make sense again, but that is a luxury I just don’t have.

I have the two people around me who care the most for me.  But I don’t even want to be around them. 

It sounds so wrong to say that, and I have been wrestling with so much self-hatred because of it this week.  And its going to be a lot more time before I get a handle on it.

I write this blog having so many things pushing at me.  Who is going to read it?  Will they like what I say?  Will they react badly to it?  Should I give a fuck?

Is the writing sound?  Is it interesting?  Am I writing good sentences, or is it boring?  Should I give a fuck?

Are these my real feelings?  Am I grandstanding because I know people are reading it?  Am I just trying to make people feel sorry for me?

Should I give a fuck?

Seriously, at what point is this just about me getting out all of the stuff that is in my head?

This week has been very hard for me.  Hard enough that I scheduled another appointment with my therapist, because I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the week.

That was hard enough.

I thought I had balanced out, but today, at work, I found myself sliding and sliding.  And its over some of the same fucking familiar ground.

There is something commendable when a company does a gesture to its employees.  However, most of them are a hit-and-miss.  How does one plan something that will take into account every single employee?  So, yeah, I get it.  You’ve got to catch as much as you can.

But today, when the free stuff consisted of nothing I could eat, and the whole prize giveaway is not for every employee, but only the employees chosen at random. 

Could be all petty.  But when you are left out of so many celebrations, you begin to wonder if they are not for you.

I worked at another place that had an employee appreciation party.  Pizza party.  Where the owner stood up and blathered out the thesaurus entry for ‘appreciate’, and we spent money getting him a thank you gift. 

I worked through it, because I didn’t want to sit there and watch everyone eat pizza.

People mean well, mean so well.  But when I hear everyone else talk about how wonderful, did you try, and wasn’t this so good, so great, that tune in my head starts going “One of these things is not like the other…”

And I start to sink.

And there were many other reasons to sink today.  Not just that. 

Its Samhain, and I could care less about ancestors, and the mystical veil being lifted between worlds.  I used to care, it used to be my favorite time of year.  Now, get it the fuck over with.

And the one thing I could have participated in- there was a palm reader.  People lined up, excited, how grand, how intriguing, titillating even.  I heard from many that she was good.  Very good.  Insightful.  Why didn’t I do it?

Because I was building a business quite similar to hers when the shit hit the fan?  And I have just recently shut down my website, and tried to eradicate the whole thing so I don’t continue to think of what I ‘should be’ doing with it?

Because I may have never been really capable of doing readings?  Sure, the intuition was there, but maybe not the coping skills?

Because my last reading was before my first surgery and given by a woman I trusted, a woman I admired, and she and another woman told me that I could overcome this without it being cancer?  That all I had to do was be on the right level, the right wavelength, and then everything would fall into place?

Who knows.  I didn’t do it.  And I worked right next to the room where it was going on.  And I had someone single me out, in what would be perceived as a good way, to ask me why I wasn’t doing the readings? 

So, slip and sink.  Down, down. 

Do I do it to myself on purpose?  Am I just making it worse?  Am I being the victim here?  Am I refusing to see any positive in anything?  Am I just a narcissist who has to do everything in a format that someone may or may not read?  Am I OK, and just making all of this stuff up in my head?  Am I actually selfish and cruel and cold and don’t give a shit about anyone, and will just toss them away after I’ve used them?

And right now, should I give a fuck?