able

I haven't posted all week, so I have to post now.  It's important to me.

Its an odd bit of judgement I've got, because I stopped myself from writing "I didn't have time."

I didn't have time?  I'm on disability!  That means I have all the time in the world, right?  From the outside looking it, yes. 

I remember when I was applying for disability, the thing my therapist cautioned me about was that many mentally ill folks actually get more depressed when they are finally on it.  Makes them feel worthless.

I get that sentiment now.  I am so fucking paranoid people are judging me, thinking I'm just gaming the system.  And I do find quite a sad lack of what I am capable of right now.  I mean, hell, a month ago, and I was barely able to pull together something for dinner, much less write on a blog.

But now I am maintaining a restricted diet for some other health conditions, I am exercising twice a day, and I spend every day of the week going to therapy, classes, or other medical appointments.  All of which we all could do, I bet, if we had the time.

Comes back to that judgement.  One of the health folks I met was an osteopath, who pushed me with questions like "so.  What's the plan for getting off disability?"  I was upset with that, and did my usual simpering routine, doing my best to make everything my fault.  Because I should be getting off it, right?  I mean, here I am, putting words together in cogent sentences, which obviously demonstrates that I'm functional enough to go down to the local McDonalds, and flip some hamburgers?

Right?

The tendency on disability is to start overacting your sickness, just to prove to everyone that you still have a valid reason for having it.  Think about how that affects mentally ill folks.  Like me.  Depression.  Must show the world that I'm still depressed... maybe look more depressed than I am... and now I'm feeling more depressed than I am, because if I go outside, if I make too many social media comments, if I laugh, if I smile, if I do anything but lie on my bed curled up in a little ball, then I obviously am just a lazy asshole who doesn't want to work.

And there is truth to a bit of it.  I don't want to work right now.  Because any job I get I'm going to either get fired from, or leave in a blaze of a nervous breakdown.  So I compensate, by filling my day with stuff... and I want more supportive stuff, too.  More community based stuff, just people who are like me.  And not necessarily mentally ill.  Just some more places to feel safe, and to connect with people.  In a real setting.  Social Media may happen again, but I want to do it when I want.  I'll just type on this blog until then... squeak through with the folks who read this.

Thank you for reading.