and then,

… and then I got better, and we lived happily ever after. 

It’s the simplest fucking narrative.  And it should be my goddamned narrative.  Things are terrible, things are so fucked up, I’m so turned around and overwhelmed, and then… little by little… things get better.

So why am I sliding backwards so much?  Why am I feeling so tired and overwhelmed?  Why am I not sleeping well? 

And why the hell am I worrying about how things ‘should’ be going, when I should just try to deal with things as they are?

Well, first of all, I wanted to be getting better.  I wanted last postings to be real measurable progress, the shot in the arm that started a slow, but maybe measurable uptick in my recovery.  I am not wishing for the moon here, just some positive aspect that keeps itself going.  And I thought it was working.

Second of all, I feel like a liar.  I feel like everyone is expecting that things are going better.  I’ve been so much more interactive than I’ve been, but that is slipping, too.  However, it’s like I need to keep up appearances, so I push myself harder and harder to interact, and find that is making things worse. 

 Third, I’m not walking the fine line that has been given to me.  I’m finding it impossible.  If I was mentally fit, following a diet of no caffeine, no sugar, no carbs, no grains, no gluten, no dairy, no soy, no eggs, just basically fresh vegetables and a protein now and then(lean, like chicken) would be difficult, but doable.

Put in depression and severe anxiety, and a lifetime’s tendency to turn to food for comfort, and knowing that about the only thing that can help me stay awake and focused- and elevate my mood a bit- is caffeine, then it seems impossible.

I am annoyed and frustrated.  And then my naturopath, who is very good, comes up mystified that the supplements that I have been taking has not improved my mood, and nullified any carb cravings.

So, of course, I end up with- I’m fucking it up.  I am not being austere enough.  If I could get that last bit of carb out of my regimen, my mood and everything else would probably improve.  But could having brown rice be doing it?  Really? 

And then there’s another thing something that is just driving the frustration to a point of no return.  The anger bubbling up underneath.

I have already gone through such an unhappy austere point in my life because of leaky gut.  I couldn’t eat anything, I had an exercise routine, and truth be told, I did get better- possibly in the best shape of my life.  But it was difficult, and I had energy to exercise, and not this lingering back issue.

Cue the holiday season.