backfire

I read somewhere recently, that if you’re suffering from depression, you should limit the intake of super serious dramas, and go for the funny, fluffier pieces.

So, I was in a glum mood, fucking root canal giving me trouble,a nd I wanted an escape.  So I looked for a sitcom, and when that failed, a fluff movie that I could half tune into while doing other things, maybe even make me laugh.

I found Madagascar, and thought, hell, why not?  Its literally fluffy.  And there are still a few scenes where I laugh out loud at, so, lets do it.

And I was OK up to the scene where Alex, the lion, finds his wild side, and finds that this side makes him want to eat his best friend.  So, what does he do? 

He runs away, to a remote place, and makes a lot of pointy spear-like sticks.  The final moment of the sequence has him, sitting on a rocky outcrop, with all of these pointy sticks pointing at him.  Not the outside world.  Him.

And I started to lose it.  There’s something too true about that moment, about that image for me.  I can’t talk to most people, hell, I get irritable when people talk to me too much.  I remember priming people a while back by just stopping asking me how I am.  I didn’t have my shell, and in many ways I still don’t, but I’m doing a damned good job of faking it.  Or maybe I’m not. 

All I know is the first sign of anger, of bad feeling towards anyone and anything, and the reversal is instantaneous- its my fault, I’m just not well, I’m not being grateful- which for some fucking reason, I am being inundated with that “Happiness can only occur with gratitude” sentiment, which, true or not, is just pissing me off…

And here I am, now wanting to delete that last little rant, because that is just wrong.  It is helpful, and I’m just being a… a what?

Holidays this year are hitting the top five worst of my life.  Probably top three- last year is in the mix, and the year I lived in Seattle, when I didn’t have a fucking stick of furniture, and realized that everything I bought for myself for Christmas that year(wasn’t much) had to go back, because bills needed to be paid.

This year, it’s the awareness that I am working in high-stress retail times, where I’ve really stretched the good-naturedness of my boss with intense sickness and intense tooth pain.  I don’t have any money to buy presents, or any energy to do anything.  Months ago, when there was so much help coming my way, I thought I’d make up for it at least with a card for the holidays. 

I bought the cards, and they are in the drawer of my desk, unopened.

More judgemental folks would join my self-judgement, and tell me “You’ve got to prioritize.  Its just here.  You don’t have to say much… just get it done.”

The gratitude hasn’t changed.  Self worth hasn’t either, and I have just had a fucking root canal and a sobering Thanksgiving that took it all out of me.  So, some other time with the cards.  Maybe next year.

The worst is that people are looking to me for holiday plans, and I just can’t get it together.  I’m too tired, too broke, too sad.  Too out of touch with this time of year, which, painfully, is usually my favorite, most energetic and generous time of the year.  And I’m angry that I can’t do anything, because its easier to be angry about my failing than dealing with the little kid in the corner, just wanting a Christmas like when he was small, when he could open presents in the morning, play with new stuff, watch Christmas shows, or just look at the tree that he helped decorate, and not have to worry about work, or how he couldn’t afford, or what to cook, or who is nice enough to give something, and I just don’t have anything to give back.

Lynda Barry talks about how kids, even by themselves, find a way to play- like there is some outside force that plays back with them.  And then there are times when the play isn’t there for the kid, and they’re just a rag doll, empty, not really sad or depressed or anything.  Just empty.

I know there is so much to be grateful for.  So many people, so many moments, so much.  And this is a time I just have to get through, its just not going to be with as much grace as all of the characters have in those redeeming Christmas specials.