Sunday, September 21, 2014

Serious False Start

Sunday, September 21st.  30 days since I posted the last one. 


Lets try this again.

I have been thinking about some stuff from my previous post, and I want to be more candid.  Or open.  I have been holding onto things very tightly since February, and there are several reasons for that.  None of them seem real enough to apply anymore.

I have shut down communication with a lot of people- by closing down my facebook, myspace, twitter, and linkedin accounts(although there is still a shred of an earlier business I created floating around linkedin.)

I also just stopped connecting.  I disappeared from my job, and no one knew why, then I quit.  Then I switched the blog to a new e-mail address, so I'm pretty damned sure there are only a few web bots that glance at this blog.   They'll point and say:

"beep beep ahhh, that's why hes been weird beep beep"

I'm terrible at accents.

But who knows?  People care about me, even though I've alienated them, or run them ragged.  Or maybe folks are upset and feel an explanation is needed.  Or maybe I'm just pulling more and more stuff out of my paranoia.

Needless to say, I had a breakdown in February.  I tried to commit suicide.  Over the next seven months(to today), I have had a few more near misses, crisis calls, three trips to the psychiatric ward, a lot of psych med combinations- some good, some horribly, horribly bad.  I've had countless hours at my therapists office, a Psychiatrist I now see regularly, a failed attempt at an outpatient program for CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and finally, a new outpatient program in DBT(Dialectical Behavior Therapy).  I am still depressed, still feel worthless and a waste of space, and feel anxious- can't go to most public places except for transit, because I blast my headphones.  I also have a lot of paranoia, and anxiety attacks that are still a bit out of control.

But I can write.  I can sound like I have a good attitude, and I could lie and write something really hopeful here.  I don't have hope.  I do feel better than I did.  I'm not having ideas on how to kill myself pop into my head, and then a deep urge in my belly to follow through with them.  I still have to squeeze my eyes tight when going over a bridge, and avoid all bodies of water for the time being.

I got disability, so I don't have to find a job I'd fail at, but the money and insurance issues are incredibly stressful.  And I'm constantly on the move, going to therapist, program, other medical staff, the NAMI house.

I sit down at nights like this, and see the full folder of emails to people I still haven't emailed, and I think 'everyone must hate me.  Or worse, they just gave up.'  Maybe.  Maybe not. 

But I want to keep blogging, and catch people back on to it.  So if I don't give you a decent e-mail, you can at least see that I'm still here, and doing what I can to stay here.

So, I intend to write a posting at least once a week.  I don't have a specific day or time, but there'll be one by next Sunday.

That is my intent.

1 comment:

  1. Jacob, Your NSM Family cares about you and is here when you are ready to venture forth. <3 Pat