Alone SOC

I have had the place to myself for hours.

I am sitting at my computer, on my desk by the window, with african violets, overgrown orchids, and a begonia that hasn't decided yet if it wants to live or die.  They all need water.

There's a pile of papers, business cards, notes to myself on what to look into, like "Ifa-Yoruba Divination" and "Allan Kaprow- Black Mountain College in North Carolina".  Bills I need to file, to organize finances, coupons, empty prescription bottles next to an empty color ink cartridge. 

I'm kicking shoes and socks out of the way with my feet.

Change, including a Canadian quarter.  two pensants on chains, one of tiger iron, one of blue kyanite.  Neither of which I've worn for months.

I'm alone here.  This was a hard won alone for me.  i had to back out of going to the Harvest Festival in Hood River, and go on the "Fruit Loop"- the loop that takes you around to the different farms in Hood river.  this is the time to buy twisted gourds and pumpkins and multicolored decorative corn for seasonal decorations. 

I just don't want to decorate.  There's no room. 

Refer to the crap above scattered around my computer.  Oh, and more- lip balm, moleskin, cracked casing for my phone charger.

It used to be when I'm alone, I was more productive.  I'd clean and organize.  I'd cook.  I'd get to doing things.  Now, I've read a bit, fell asleep, got on the computer, and watched TV.  The Voice, primarily.  Lets see what Cee-Lo does.  I think he's the only reason I watch it.  That, and the whole "ordinary people finding out they're extraordinary" angle.  It makes me cry, then cry harder, because I don't really believe that anymore. 

But of course that's only when I'm alone.

Introverts will get it.  Or maybe just agoraphobes.

The feeling of letting everything go.  Just being able to relax more fully into myself.  Taking off the mask, the fear of communication with people- that I have to give and give, and just don't get the taking thing, maybe because everyone has the best intentions, but I just can't take what they're giving me.

I guess I should feel lonely.  But that feeling, like a lot of others, isn't as present or palpable right now.  All I feel is the low grade anxiety of "they are coming back anytime now", and regret for the pizza I got, the idea that sounds so damned good until i get it, and realize its always just a poor substitute for the idea I get in my head of pizza.

This one was pretty bad, though.  I called the company, and they gave me an account credit.  "Just call us whenever you want another crappy pizza, and it'll be free!"

Life sucks. 

I'm finding in these quiet alone spots, that I can sit with that.  I can be where I'm at, without feeling I need to be anywhere else.  I don't have to skew everything towards the positive, the but-I'll-get-over-it yoke that I just put on and keep on trudging.  Right now it doesn't matter what happens later.  It sucks for now.  And I can live with it.

And then the sounds of footsteps, and the door opens, and I'm back into what-must-they-think-of-me-and-what-do-you-want-from-me mode.