And when I am in any sort of positive mood several things happen:
1- I question if I'm actually positive, or just putting up mask, or if its because of the(yep) caffeine. I overcaffeinated.
2- I fear the positive feelings, as if its me just waking up from a bad sleep, and oh, well, no problem, everything's fine, just like it always has been. Like I am actually crazy, because my mood is like a light switch.
3- I start to question if I was ever really negative, or if that was the act I was faking my way through.
A few things that anchored it for me:
- I became absolutely terrified when someone asked me to a party going on tomorrow. If things were magically all better, i would have jumped at the chance, but no. Short breaths, gripping on to the table, clamping down on the 'hell, no' trying to escape loudly out of my mouth. Maybe in time. But that moment brought me back to earth again.
- My mood slipped quietly and slowly back into where it has been. There are things that I want to figure out, and these things are serious in their scope. It is so easy for me to tell myself I'm being a baby and get over it, move on, shut up, because I have for too many years.
The biggest hurdle I have to get over is to stop pretending like I can hit upon THE THING that will make it all better.
And that I have to find a way to talk about it. So many people are saying that they are open to talk, but I am having trouble taking them up on their offer. Mostly because there is only so much sympathy one can take. Empathy is quite a different interaction. It means listening with your whole self, not with a hand dipping into the platitudes cookie jar, or ready to start driving the conversation to solutions, or to positive affirmation. Its about listening. And holding space for that person.
And I have no doubt that so many have this quality. I'm just having trouble getting to any kind of point with professionals, much less friends.
Last night was special, though. Plans.
It seems bad enough when someone says something that sounds trite. Innane, obvious, even condescending. But then you catch yourself and realize the person is well intentioned and really doing their best.
ReplyDeleteBut then you mull over the platitude, to see which of you is the asshole, and you find out the glib saying is true, relevant and even an eloquent summation of something you have been dealing with.
There have been a couple of nights were I get together with some folks and mostly just stay back and remain quiet. I imagine I'm an empty chair and just listen. There is something pleasant but heart aching about watching normal people enjoy each other's company. How do they do it?
I remind myself, grudgingly, that my chair isn't empty. I try to add a thought or, more commonly, a silly joke. A reach toward normalcy.
I don't know if any of this strikes a chord, it isn't intended to 'make it about me'. You are one of the few people I've ever known in my life with whom I do not feel like an empty chair. Ever. I love you my brother.