work

I'm staring at the keyboard, trying too damned hard to wrap this up and present it.  How to start?  What clever way to keep it interesting?  Bullshit.

Today has been quite hard, after I realized how stupid I was being at work.

Work is work, its at a grocery store, and as much as cashiering is a thing I'm pretty good at, I am so glad that I'm working where I'm working.  I don't have to deal directly with customers, I have projects that get finished, and I'm getting pretty good at it.  But one perk has just come dangerously close to disaster.

I don't have a set schedule for breaks and lunch, so I get preoccupied, and take lunch later than the four hours.  I like taking lunch later anyway, less time left at the end of the day.

But I messed up a few weeks ago, and went past six hours before I took my lunch.  And, because of being preoccupied yesterday, I screwed up again.

Turns out that a third time, and I'm automatically fired.  For taking lunch too late.

I'm furious and ashamed at the same time.  Furious because JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE!  Of all of the things to be fired for, the mentally screwed up individual with cancer is going to be let go because he didn't took his lunch too late???!!??

If I was stealing, fine.

If I was incompetent, sure.

But because of labor laws, this is such a touchy subject.  And really, I don't get it.  The only thing you get less chances with is if you don't show up for a shift, and don't call.  And you get one chance.  This one is two.

You know what?  I seriously cannot think of a rational explanation that anyone could give me why I should be fired because three times I took a lunch too late.

I scheduled my second operation after the holidays, because I didn't want to leave this company in the lurch over the busiest time of the year.  The people that know me would be sad, maybe angry that I got fired, but the company wouldn't give a damn.

Now moving from externalizing to internalizing in three... two... one...

I try so fucking hard at work.  I try so hard, because it is the only place in my life that I am terrified of fucking up.  Losing my insurance.  Losing stable pay.  Losing a halfway interesting job with accomplishments, and people who are decent, even wonderful to be around.  Who cares if I shove my steel wall between myself and them?  I need to keep on going and not break down.  I need to be competent, good even.  So no nervous wreck at work.

The result?  It is the one place in my life that I'm not fucking up.  Until now.

It turns out I was working too hard, and now I get to feel like I'm the asshole because of it.

And even the 'talk'.  The "It would make me so sad if you got fired."  It would make you sad?  Well, then.  I should just straighten up and fly right.

And the flip side was that I am devastated.  I'm no good.  I now have to work around this obstacle that I'm just trouble for people.  Just a problem.  Just difficult.

I'm heading towards letting everyone down again.  Letting myself down.  Me?  Self-sufficient?  What a fucking laugh.  I can't even hold down a job that I'm good at.  What happened?  Oh.  I was fired.  For not pushing a code into a time clock before a certain hour of the day.

Nothing is safe.  I can fuck up everything, and not even know it.  I mean, I got cancer, right?