Dark space right now.

It's either the cold that's going around, or my adrenals just shoved me into detox mode.  I'm so fatigued I keep on falling asleep, but only for a few minutes.  My throat is raw and achy and its just...

I was lying/sitting ont he corner of the couch, passing out, and my hands felt like they did when I was going through radiation, and severe hypo- just like weights at the end of my arms, hard to do anything with them but keep them half closed.

Sitting in the exact spot I sat for months.  I slept there for months as well- terrified about sleeping flat.

In my most tired moments today, the hopeless thought was there.  I'm never going to be healthy again.

And just the feeling of shame that washes over me.   I'm so weak.  Others are going through so much, and they aren't sniveling around.  Buck up and get going, you selfish dope.

There's been so much, so many suggestions, so mcuh real and tangible help.  And I keep on coming back to this feeling like why the fuck should I rebuild when its all going to fall apart again?  Who am I fooling?  i'm just not that strong- never have been, so why the hell should I even give it a go?  So fucking worthless.

And then I start to think about people who are going to read this, this negative whinyness that is me. 

And I want to delete this now, but fuck it.