Context

I've been talking a lot about the things that have happened outside.  I need to talk about things happening inside.

There is a concept in character analysis called the "life lie"

This concept is about the thing the character truly believes about themself, and is a major part of their identity.  If that belief is exposed as a lie, which it turns out to be in the story, then the character's identity, and then the character falls apart.

I have never been the healthiest person... there were times when I did get very healthy, but I wasn't under any notion that I was incorruptible with health.  My past is checkered with serious things that have happened to me health-wise.  so, that wasn't the major part of things.

the major part was what I was building and planning.  Wanting to do creative work, trying to balance that with finances, with others, with my spiritual side, which is very important to me.  All of these things were working in tandem, and I believed I was going somewhere.

And it went away.   The potential, the inspiration, the hope even went away, and all that I have left is a huge mistrust of anything.  Of my own ability to get well.  Of my ability to stay well.  Of any structured plan for health that uses techniques, buzz words, rules.  Of folks who have went through similar things and have come through it on a more positive note than before.

I have lost any sense of self worth.  I have lost my ability to do anything that matters to me.  I have lost any sense of identity that is positive, hopeful, worth fighting for.

I am looking at a life where I have given up everything but the essential- a job that pays some of the bills and has great insurance.  A place where I'm terrified to fuck up, like I've fucked up my life.

And I guess one of the biggest things I've done, a feeling I can't shake, a life-lie in reverse, if you will, is that since there are no clear answers as to how I contracted cancer, I decided I must have done it to myself.

I write it all out, so melodramatic.  So many affirmations crop up about giving it time and it will get better, and all the buzz words about transition and moving to a new stage in life and huge life change etc.

It's bullshit to me.  It's dark.  It's negative.  And, as I've been told, I am not letting anyone help me.

And I still don't get how anyone is going to help me.  Because everyone needs some sort of direction.  People ask how they can help, and I don't know.  I did the youcaring.com website, which was great, and I'm using the money for therapy, chiropracter, acupuncture as well as meds and doctor/naturopath visits.  But for what people can do, I'm stuck.

I'm stuck in this catch-22 of being terrified of being selfish, and also being terrified that all I have been all my life is selfish, when I thought I was helping, or just doing what I could.

I've spent so long, wasted so much time just trying to make things out.  I spend so much time believing thinking and wrapping my brain around this is going to get me out of it, that if I only understood, everything would be fine, and I would be balanced and in control again.  Close the book.  Done.

 But here I am writing, making colorful melodramatic sentences proclaiming what is wrong with me.

I don't know what the life lie was, or even if that is a good framing device.  All I know is that writing down words is like feeling my way in the dark here, hoping to catch on to something.

So far, pretty much lost.