sometimes

I am sick.  On top of the not being well thing.

What this means is that even though I'm not that sick- no coughing, sneezing, terrible sore throat or anything... I do have the tendency to pass out, which I had never had before.  Sunday was a lot of that, not so much yesterday or today.

It makes me go a little easier on myself.  And that, in turn, allows my sense of humor to creep out.

I also made reservations.  Not at Breitenbush.  Somewhere else.  It will be in November.  Of course, I did this without telling anyone.  Here's the money- there you go.  And then I started to get this nervous feeling that I had forgotten something.

I found out what at work.  I had completely forgotten that I was going to work for another person that weekend, and, well, lets just say in a department of three people, it is stupid to think you can take your vacation the same time as the other two.  I wasn't thinking of them.

I wasn't.  And I went in thinking that I've got to do this- I never do this, and I've already cancelled on a trip already, one I should be on right now.  And who knows when I'll ever do anything like this again.

So?  A mess I made at work, but my boss is an incredible woman, who was so frustrated, as well she should be, but she is doing everything in her power to make sure it happens for me.  So, I start breaking down.  At the beginning of my shift.  I open my drink and drink, one of my ways to keep myself bottled up.   

She also makes me face the possibility of staying home now, to take care of being sick, which makes me start breaking down all over again.  I'm in the aisles at the store, though, and no one is really looking.  It's amazing what could be happening around people at grocery stores, and no one really pays attention.  I do this to- we are so focused on getting our own stuff, unless we recognize someone, people are just obstacles.

Not everyone does this.  Not Johnny.  He sees me, stops, and calls out my name.

I've connected with him before, only now I'm not the cheerful cashier bobblehead, so I feel like I can talk to him like me.  I tell him what's really going on.  He tells me whats really going on.  Shit is going on in both of our lives, and we're able to connect. 

He sings me a bit of his "one foot in front of the other" song, and I tell him that has been the exact mantra I've been repeating to myself this whole time.  over and over.

I turn to go back to work, and he starts walking away with his cart.  He stops, and says,

"Jacob."

I turn around.

"thanks for telling me what's going on.  I'm honored."

I stop for a second, and say,

"Thanksfor this connection." 

And I point to him and me.

He leaves.  I, of course break down.  But I'm in the frozen section, so I just open a door and stick my head in with the fries and hash browns.

Sometimes things are moving in just the right way, and, for a moment, it's gliding, hydroplaning, sliding along, and its not as hard as it has been.  It's not magically all better, of course, but I get to feel something else for awhile. 

Then the sliding stops, and its back to it.